When clearing out the detritus of decades of accumulated academia, one finds a collection of lanyards and name tags. I had thought about putting them on all at once, but I could see the headline “Professor tragically killed by asphyxiation in freak lanyard incident: authorities trying to determine reason”, and so I won’t. Alternatively, it’s a Clue(do) solution: Killed by Lanyard in the Study by Mr. Mustard. Instead, they will attend to the great recycling bin in the sky, recorded here for posterity. Anyone who wants to go as “Conference Man” or “Lanyard Man” (able to sit for conference presentations for hours on end, able to network and make small talk for small amounts of free food) for Halloween should get in touch.